Snapping out of the old stories

I’m driving home in my car after a very challenging day. I feel physically sick and mentally-emotionally drained.

It’s the late afternoon. My eyes are filling with tears as my mental chatter spirals deeper and deeper.

“I failed miserably as a mother.”
“I give up, I can’t possibly make this right any more.”
“I can’t even take care of myself, how am I even expected to take care of others?”
“Why do I even exist?”

I’m aware of the victim rising in me and taking over. I’m aware of my whole being succumbing to the utter feeling of defeat. And I’m aware of a faint desire underneath it all, that wants me to change the narrative.

I make a sudden decision and ask myself: “What would the peaceful, masterful version of me do in this situation?” This question, as expected disrupts the victim narrative right away. I don’t get a clear answer, but I didn’t expect one either. The question does its job to snap me out of the downward spiral immediately.

This is the power of years of practice, I recognize humbly. Still, that feeling of victimhood and defeat linger. I don’t want to feel miserable and depressed, but somehow I’m still addicted to the strange kick it gives me when I spiral down.

I find myself in an uncomfortable situation, no man’s land between the pull of this dark addiction to victimhood and the desire to feel whole and free.

A truck nears me from the opposite lane and the darkness gathers its forces for a last big tug. “How would it be to run head into it?” – the thought appears in my head, but has no weight to it. It’s way too familiar, I’ve been here so many times before, but my desire to not give in has grown way stronger with practice.

I immediately smile, dismissing even the last lingering feeling of defeat.

A feeling of peace and empowerment washes over me. I managed to turn one of my lowest days into a great one, with a victory.

In the evening, I feel immensely happy. Physically I still don’t feel the greatest, but it doesn’t matter any more. I broke the spell of the all-familiar victimhood. I left the old story behind once again, to step into a new one. I managed to practice my vision of who I know I really am at the core, beyond stories and hurts and fears.

This is how I’m living more and more of an embodied life.