Victory without a battle

I sit down to write. Right away, I feel a dullness in my head and panic rising in my mind.

“It’s not a good time now. Maybe I should do it another time.”
“I should make something to eat right now.”
“I really should research this other thing first.”

A million other things pop up in my head, that would need my attention right now. I feel doubt crawling up my spine and fill my chest. It’s a painfully familiar place, I’ve been here before so many times. I succumbed to the mental panic and resistance a thousand and one times in the past.

Not today though. I’m staying with it now, breathing and feeling it all. I try not to pay attention to the excuses in my mind. There’s an idea buried behind all that, a thought that wanted to be expressed on the page. It’s presence made this whole charade appear in the first place.

I focus on that idea, however vague and far away it seems. I keep breathing and feeling the sensations in my body, so my mind with all of it’s excuses can relax. I pick up the pen, open my notebook to an empty page and start writing. Every tiny action is a small victory. Every tiny action is a step forward towards doing the thing my soul longs to do.

My jaws clench, so I relax them as much as I can, while writing about the idea. My posture collapses and I sit up straight. I’m still writing. My shoulders keep creeping up towards my ears and I keep relaxing them when I catch the feeling of tension. All the way through, I keep writing.

My feet firmly planted on the ground, I’m sitting at my desk and letting the idea pour out of me. I’m letting it grow and take shape on the paper, regardless of the writing being “good” or “useless”. I keep monitoring my body, so my mind can be free of distractions.

It’s a practice and I’m getting better at it. My hips feel electric, buzzing with delight as I’m finishing up the idea. My heart fills with a sense of peace and joy, and I know that this is why I keep overcoming hurdles. This is why I keep doing the projects that matter to me.

Victory! And victory without a fight! Victory by breathing, noticing, relaxing. Letting in the ease. The prize I win: fulfillment.

Today, I totally nailed the process. Tomorrow’s another day to practice.